chambermusicandtenpins | Deerly Beloved

This place would be a terrible bore without you.

[Yeah that isn't the reason. He is evading with a charming smirk.]

Why would it happen? The dead stay dead.

I see. How silly of me to wonder.

[Albus can tell. He's not sure how to feel about that.]

You'd have to kill them all, by that logic. Is that your end goal?

It is silly. You know the answer.

[Even if said answer seems ridiculously unlikely.]

Death...isn't a goal. I seek freedom and anyone who stands in the way must face me.

And yet I wonder all the same.

[Because even if it's true, it's...a lot to consider, and he's not sure how to feel.]

So you would kill them all simply as a means, then.

I want you to live because you cannot defy me and you are mine.

[He glances away and sighs.]

Why do you value everyone over me?

[The possessiveness of that answer surprises him, taking him aback. It makes him stumble over his words for a moment before he manages to answer:]

Your feelings are not the same as people's lives.

[A beat, and then:] I defy you constantly. What do you mean, I am yours?

Torturing someone isn't the same as killing them.

[Aberforth would have likely lived through that curse, though, since it came from Gellert, he might have been permanently damaged.]

My plans cannot be carried out here. Defy me all you want; it doesn't matter.

[His expression hardens.]

You can't escape the past and neither can I.

And yet it is still not worth less than your hurt feelings, is it.

[And that infuriates him to no end, that Gellert is so blithe about the destruction he causes while only caring how the consequences of it affect him.

Quietly, he asks:]

And that means you own me, then?

I am sure the same idea occurred to him. He just wasn't gifted enough to use such a spell.

[Ouch. Gellert's pride can run a bit high and a bit hot. Only Albus can hand his arse to him.]

You are mine regardless of what has passed, of what we have become.

Not everyone is you, Gellert. Not everyone solves their problems with death.

[Aberforth was hotheaded, yes, but he wasn't a murderer. If he were, he could have killed Albus years ago for all the things he still was irreverisbly furious for.]

And what if I refuse to be yours, Gellert?

I tortured him; I did not kill him.

[Though he obviously could have tried. They are both able to cast a Killing Curse.

He grits his teeth, letting out a sharp breath.]

You can't. It's done.

And yet that is still worth so much more than your damned bruised ego.

[His voice goes steely and still, cold and quiet.]

You burned that bridge a very long time ago, Gellert. I am not on your leash. I haven't been for decades.

To you, obviously.

[He wanted Albus to put him first. When they fell into bed together, he was first, but when they left the bedroom, he was second or third.]

I don't need a leash; we are bound much deeper than that.

Yes. To me. The man you claim to want to keep.

[And that kills him, that Gellert cannot see how hurting his family is the same as hurting him, that every spell he casts to cause pain or violence is another knife in his soul that wilts whatever love he'd felt.]

The bond broke ages ago, Gellert. Even a pact doesn't undo everything that split us apart.

I am keeping you. [That isn't the point, however, and he is well aware of that fact.] I'm sorry for hurting you, Albus. That was never my intention.

[And it hadn't been. If he had wanted to be rid of Albus, he would have been direct about it.]

Complications exist between us, but that is all.

Are you? I do not feel kept. You ran from me once. Only here have I seen you again. 'Complications' does not really capture it.

[There is such pain in his voice, even as he tries his best to sound solid and immoveable. He wants so much to be unmoved, but it remains difficult the more they speak.]

Are you sorry for what you did, or simply sorry that it angered me?

You would rather I stay with you? Live in your house? See you every morning and every evening?

[His chest aches at the scenario and he bites his cheek as a distraction.]

I am sorry it hurt you. I am sorry I lost my temper.

[But he will never like Aberforth.]

I would rather a lot of things had not happened. Maybe then the things you offer would have been possible.

[After all, that is exactly what he had wanted so badly once. He'd had it mapped out so clearly in his head, the way he and Gellert would live so contentedly together, always at each other's side, always one with each other.

And then Gellert had cursed Aberforth in their living room.]

You aren't sorry for harming anyone, are you.

Maybe if you would be able to forgive me instead of lambast me, things between us would be better. I have not harmed Aberforth and if you want Aurelius to know you, speak with him. He will return to our world informed and my plan will be reduced to cinders.

[He won't mourn its loss either.]

I will protect myself.

Strange how the real problem is not your actions, just my ability to forgive them.

[His voice grows more deadened, his resolve more steely. How many times will he hear Gellert dismiss what he'd done, and act as if what he'd done to Aberforth, done to all of the people he'd harmed? How many times will he stubbornly try to make him see reason and come up empty?]

If you feel no guilt for what you've done and I feel no shame for my lack of forgiveness, then I imagine there is not much more to say. Just as there is not much more left to lay claim between us.

Now you're just being stubborn.

[He has never apologized for anything before. This is entirely new territory and he feels too emotional to phrase anything right.]

...Albus...

Stubborn, or truthful? You will not change. Neither will I. We both will not budge from our aims or our boundaries.

[He looks sad and tired and resigned, because they have spent so much time arguing since they've arrived, and it has brought them nowhere. All he's gained from it are headaches and heartaches, and yet there is still some piece of him that is so very desperate to change something, even as the door shuts in his face every time.]

I want things to be different but I think I am starting to realize how foolish I am.

One mistake pitted you against me; one mistake made me your foe. If I were to open myself to you again, what would stop you from taking offense to me again?

[He is a strange man - too violent and brutal by far - and unsure how to be otherwise. He has never had peace or a place to call home; Durmstrang only taught him to defend himself. His life in the great wide world has emphasized the mistakes of his childhood. Albus stands in stark contrast to all of it and he doesn't know how to meet him.]

I miss you.

Edited 2020-01-25 14:32 (UTC)

You act as if you do not do things now that I would fight against, that we are long past the days of a single mistake. If you have no desire or aim to change, then I am wasting my words on a discussion that will take us no further.

[He sounds defeated and tired, and yet, in spite of that, something in his heart breaks when Gellert tells him he misses him.

Albus closes his eyes and is silent a moment, his chest aching at the words, at the memories of so many times when he's wanted the other man at his side and been left with nothing more than air.]

I do, too.

It all had a beginning. We have only distanced ourselves further from one another since then. I don't know how to fix any of it without going back to where it first went wrong.

[Why must Albus look so sorrowful? The expressions nag at him and his pride feels less important. Actually, his pride feels nonexistent.]

Spend time with me, then.

Deerly Beloved

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